Days 4-7: "For I know the plans I have for you."

It has been a few days since I have written anything.  For a while, I thought that it might be that I wasn’t ‘supposed’ to.  That it wasn’t really the plan for me in the first place.  That my ‘journey’ was meant to be kept private.

I awoke this morning feeling a bit differently about that.  I realize now that, sometimes, life gets in the way of doing the things that we are being led to do.  It’s when we find ourselves in those situations, those hectic moments, that we should really step back and look at what’s going on.  Realize that those moments, many times, have been placed there as a distraction to keep us from reaching out to others and truly examining ourselves.

The last few days have been beautiful days.  The weather has been warm, the sun shining and that is just the kind of weather that I personally need.  I don’t deal well with cold, snow and ice.  I am not a ‘winter’ person.  For the most part, I am able to stay positive during the winter months and can deal fairly well with the weather.  But, suffering from S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) can really mess with you.  When it kicks in, I find it very easy to just look at the world, the people, around me and say: “Not today.”  Glancing out the window and thinking that it would just be easier to go back to bed.  I know that isn’t the answer and will most likely make me feel worse, but at that moment it seems like the logical thing for me to do.

But, even though the weather has been beautiful, my mood and my outlook have been dark and bleak.  Generally just feeling ‘off’.  Struggling with, and concentrating on, things and situations that have distracted me from my road.  I have fixed a smile upon my face, my mask if you will, and trudged on as if nothing were wrong.  Why should I surrender control of things?  I am a MAN…we fix things, we don’t surrender, and we certainly don’t ask for help.  That’s not the right thing to do, because that is not manly.  It shows weakness.   I was raised and taught that men do not cry, they endure pain silently and they never speak of it to others. So, because I am a man I feel that I can deal with everything by myself.  That I don’t need anyone’s help.  And that I’m going to fix this situation, solve this problem and show everybody that I could do it.  Especially God, because those are the moments that I have the stupid mentality that God will be more pleased with me if I work it out and don’t bother Him.

Those are the days that I really need to seek harder, to listen more, to breathe and remember that there IS a plan for me.  It may not be my plan, it may not be what I want, and it may not be manifesting itself as quickly or as clearly as I want, but there is a plan.  That is when I need to step back and realize that I can plan all that I want, but I need to realize that God has the plan for me.  One of my favorite scriptures is in Jeremiah.  Such a profound scripture that can apply to most any situation in your life when you are searching for ‘the plan’, for guidance or direction:  “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” – Jeremiah 29:11-13.

I may plan my plans, but my plans are worthless if I don’t stop and realize that God has the master plan for my life and my future.  As I’ve heard it said many times:  Let go, let God.  That’s hard for us to do as humans.  We know what WE want and we know when WE want it.  But the biggest part of ‘let go, let God’ is to place our trust in him. 

So, in meditating this morning, I realized that continuing with this blog and sharing is part of what God has planned for me.  I don’t know if this is to help me or to help someone else.  That’s not for me to know at this point.  I just know that I’m to continue.  I meditate on the scripture from Jeremiah and realize that no matter how much pain, suffering, anger, self-loathing, unease, or loneliness that we may be enduring, God’s plan for us is for hope and a future.  It is in those times, more than ever, that we must seek with all our heart.

Peace.

Day 3 - Little Things

Little things.  Little things mean more to me in life, in my relationships with others, than grand gestures. 

In a world where we have to make everything bigger - “Go Large”, “Giant Screen”, “50% More” – we often ignore those little things.  In our quest for MORE, for BIGGER – we miss the moments that matter most.  A hug, a kind word, a smile.  It can be in those little things that we find God’s true, unconditional love.

It’s when we open our hearts and minds to possibilities around us…to the people around us…that we can be truly at peace.  It’s not always easy…like loving your neighbor or being patient and still. 

When my grandmother was ill and in her last days, it was the little things that made it easier for me to deal with everything going on around me.  Friends would come to the house offer just to sit with her so that I might get outside for some fresh air and a short walk.  I would come back a short time later to find that, while gone, they may have done some other small thing at the house just to help me out.

I carry a stone in my pocket.  It’s the one in the picture.  I carry that stone with me at all times and it has a very special meaning to me…a very private meaning.  That stone is never out of my possession and has been in the pocket of every costume that I have worn on stage, it is the first thing transferred when I change clothes.  And this stone has more value and worth to me than the greatest diamond or gold that money could buy. 

I look at that small stone, with its imperfections and flaws, fissures and chips, feel its weight and realize that, even though it HAS its imperfections – it’s still a thing of beauty.  It is strong and has endured many things yet still remains.  A small and constant reminder that I, too, remain.

Take time to enjoy the little things in life…put away the oversized trappings of the day that you don’t really need and find something that will bring you peace.  Take a moment to reflect on what’s really important in your life.  Appreciate the beauty around you, experience life quietly.  Make time for others…smile…send a random text…take a cup of coffee to a friend…something small.  It doesn’t have to be huge.  A small gesture may be all that is needed to make someone’s day better…maybe even save their life…and you did it!  And in that you are showing just a small part of God’s love.

Peace.

Day 2 - "Be still, and know that I am God"

Be still.

Be patient.

Those are two things that I struggle with.  I'm not an 'I want it NOW' kind of person, but I do tend to want things to happen in quicker-than-timely manner.  As for being still, well, that doesn't happen very often either.

What I am learning is that being still and being patient don't always apply to my interaction with others, but in my faith journey as well.  It is in my stillness and my patience that I will find the answers that I am looking for.  

When my former organ professor and friend passed, a colleague of mine and I were standing at here casket at the visitation.  My colleague looked down and touched our friend's hand and said something that I will never forget:  "Her hands are so still...and a musician's hands are NEVER still."  She was right...a musician's hands ARE never still.  We, as musicians...especially church musicians, are always using our hands to prepare for our work...our ministry.  But, even though we may not be able to keep our hands still, we must keep our hearts and minds still and listen...listen for that guidance that will help us continue.  Have the patience to wait for God's message to come through.

David Haas wrote a beautiful song entitled "You Are Mine".  I've had the joy of playing this for congregations to sing and, most recently sang it in church with the choir.  It speaks to that part of me that needs to be patient and still:

I will come to you in the silence.

I will lift you from all your fear.

You will hear My voice,

I claim you as My choice,

Be still, and know I am near.

I am hope for all who are hopeless.

I am eyes for all who long to see.

In the shadows of the night,

I will be your light.

Come and rest in Me.

Do not be afraid, I am with you

I have called you each by name.

Come and follow Me,

I will bring you home,

I love you and you are mine.

So, while it may be hard for me to "be still" and "be patient", I know that I must be.  Otherwise, how will I hear the message...the plan...intended for me?  

Patience, while a must in dealing with others in our lives, is something that's imperative that we have with ourselves.  I do not have a lack of patience with others...but am guilty of a lack of patience with myself.  I tend to not have the patience with myself to ALLOW myself to accomplish the goals that I have set for ME.  I tend to let my own failures or mistakes quash those goals.  It is in THOSE moments that I must be still and listen...not just to myself (or my own body), but for that voice that "will come to me in the silence".

I journey on through this day with two goals in mind:  Be still and listen...be patient and learn.

Peace.

Day 1 - "Love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord." - the Facebook post that started it all.

Last week, I was meeting a friend of mine for coffee at a local restaurant.  I’ve been going there for quite some time and it is a gathering place for many of the local retired individuals to meet and visit and laugh. I was early and took a booth, waiting for her to arrive.  Near me, were two occupied tables – the adjoining booth containing four ladies that I did not know and a table with two men that I do know.  All of the individuals were roughly the age of my parents…around 70.  The ladies were carrying on a quiet conversation and generally having a good time. The two gentlemen (and you will never again hear me refer to them as such) were also carrying on a conversation, albeit much louder than the ladies, and much more boisterous.

As I sat waiting for my friend to arrive, I couldn’t help but hear the conversation that was going on between these two men.  It was difficult for the entire restaurant not to hear it.  I know both of these men; I know that they are fine, up-standing, God-fearing, church going men.  However, the afternoon that I am speaking of really made me sit up and take notice of them…and change my opinion of them drastically.

I listened, as they first started in on politics.  This didn’t surprise me, as that is general fodder in a coffee shop.  Then I listened in horror as these two men started telling demeaning, vulgar and very graphic, gut wrenching jokes about women.  I glanced up from the newspaper that I was reading to see the horror-stricken faces of two of the ladies in the adjoining booth.  They were obviously offended – I was offended.  But it did not stop.  It continued to get worse and the men got louder and more graphic with their jokes – trying to ‘one-up’ each other in their vulgarity, lewdness and increase the shock value of what they were saying.  The ladies became visibly more uncomfortable, stopped eating and signaled for the waitress to bring their checks.  They left – leaving half-eatenmeals, paying and vacating the restaurant so quickly that you would have thought that it was on fire.

I was horrified.  I couldn’t believe that I had just witnessed this.

But it wasn’t over.

The next thing I knew, the jokes about gay people started.  I am not easily offended and often can laugh off a lot of what’s being said – even when it hurts.  However, this was just as offensive and tasteless, lewd and vulgar, horrifying and gut wrenching as the jokes they had told about women.  I sat quietly, reading (or pretending to read) my newspaper as the jokes turned to hate-filled rhetoric based on Biblical passages and Christianity.  I was stunned.  These men I know, whom I have seen attending church (and don’t worry, I’m not naming a church and you will have a hard time figuring out which one as I have played in several churches in this town), began spouting off about (expletive) gay people (not the term they used) and what should be done to them.  That they should be put to death, like all the (expletive) persons of color (again, not the term they used).  That they should all (expletive) die of AIDS. I listened as the old, tried-and-true, Bible verses were trotted out, defending their stance.

I didn’t move.  I was too stunned.  Frankly, I was somewhat frightened. 

I didn’t realize that I had been holding my breath in an effort to keep from shaking.  I didn’t know it until the waitress approached me, nervously eyeing the men over her shoulder, to see if I needed more coffee.  I nodded, releasing my breath, and she poured the coffee and quickly retreated to the kitchen.  The men continued.

Thankfully, before my friend arrived, they left.  A flood of emotions hit me in a matter of seconds:  relief, anger, shock, pain, horror…you name it - I felt it.  I felt every emotion but one:  hatred.

You see, in Leviticus (that lovely book that many Christians trot out to justify their hatred and judgment of so many), also contains on every crucial verse.  “Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against a fellow Israelite, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.” – Leviticus 19:18. While I may not have liked what they were saying, while it made me uncomfortable…I could not stoop to their level of hatred.  I, too, am a Christian and was taught to“love others as yourself”.

In this town, the town that I have grown to love and call home, a town that according to the Internet, has 40 plus churches - this is was the second time that I have experienced hatred this year. And I could not believe that this was coming from, fine Christian persons.  The other time I experienced hatred for who I am, is when I found out that a ‘friend’, also a Christian and very active in their church, a ‘friend’ that I’ve had in my own home on many occasions – HATES people that are gay.  I view that ‘friend’ in a much different light now, but I do not HATE them.

We go to church because we are ALL sinners, not saints.  Just because there is something about me that is ‘different’ from you makes me no less a human being.  My sin is my sin…and your sin is your sin.  Jesus himself said, when speaking of the woman caught in the act of adultery: “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” – John 8:7b.

What’s the bottom line here? What’s my point?  I guess there are two points to this.  One – as hatred is spewed in the name of God it should be remembered that God doesn’t condone hatred of anyone; and, Two – we are ALL sinners.  Jesus died and rose again that we may be forgiven of our sins – those we have committed and those that we have YET to commit and that we might have everlasting life.

And the bottom line? – It doesn’t matter who you are: we are ALL God’s children and deserving of love and compassion just as the Bible instructs.  And we should remember that HATRED is ALSO a sin. 

Like the old Sunday school song says:

“Oh, be careful little mouth what you say.

Oh, be careful little mouth what you say.

For the Father up above is looking down in LOVE,

So, be careful little mouth what you say."

The Journey Begins.

This all started with a post...a note that...that I posted on Facebook today.  All about an experience that I had last week.  Many have commented on it and I've had some private messages regarding it.  The outpouring made me stop and think...reflect.  And this, my Journey, was born.

I guess that you could say that this is the BEGINNING of my "Lenten Journey".  Maybe I'm on a quest for a greater understanding of the world around me...or maybe a better understanding of myself and how I relate to the world around me.  Call it a search for peace...call it ramblings...call it what you may.  I'm moving forward and looking for my "mountain top experience."

I'm not really good at keeping up with a blog.  I've always tried and failed miserably.  This is one that I'm going to strive to keep up with daily during Lent.  

Who knows...it might even last far beyond Lent!

Peace to all.