Days 4-7: "For I know the plans I have for you."

It has been a few days since I have written anything.  For a while, I thought that it might be that I wasn’t ‘supposed’ to.  That it wasn’t really the plan for me in the first place.  That my ‘journey’ was meant to be kept private.

I awoke this morning feeling a bit differently about that.  I realize now that, sometimes, life gets in the way of doing the things that we are being led to do.  It’s when we find ourselves in those situations, those hectic moments, that we should really step back and look at what’s going on.  Realize that those moments, many times, have been placed there as a distraction to keep us from reaching out to others and truly examining ourselves.

The last few days have been beautiful days.  The weather has been warm, the sun shining and that is just the kind of weather that I personally need.  I don’t deal well with cold, snow and ice.  I am not a ‘winter’ person.  For the most part, I am able to stay positive during the winter months and can deal fairly well with the weather.  But, suffering from S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) can really mess with you.  When it kicks in, I find it very easy to just look at the world, the people, around me and say: “Not today.”  Glancing out the window and thinking that it would just be easier to go back to bed.  I know that isn’t the answer and will most likely make me feel worse, but at that moment it seems like the logical thing for me to do.

But, even though the weather has been beautiful, my mood and my outlook have been dark and bleak.  Generally just feeling ‘off’.  Struggling with, and concentrating on, things and situations that have distracted me from my road.  I have fixed a smile upon my face, my mask if you will, and trudged on as if nothing were wrong.  Why should I surrender control of things?  I am a MAN…we fix things, we don’t surrender, and we certainly don’t ask for help.  That’s not the right thing to do, because that is not manly.  It shows weakness.   I was raised and taught that men do not cry, they endure pain silently and they never speak of it to others. So, because I am a man I feel that I can deal with everything by myself.  That I don’t need anyone’s help.  And that I’m going to fix this situation, solve this problem and show everybody that I could do it.  Especially God, because those are the moments that I have the stupid mentality that God will be more pleased with me if I work it out and don’t bother Him.

Those are the days that I really need to seek harder, to listen more, to breathe and remember that there IS a plan for me.  It may not be my plan, it may not be what I want, and it may not be manifesting itself as quickly or as clearly as I want, but there is a plan.  That is when I need to step back and realize that I can plan all that I want, but I need to realize that God has the plan for me.  One of my favorite scriptures is in Jeremiah.  Such a profound scripture that can apply to most any situation in your life when you are searching for ‘the plan’, for guidance or direction:  “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” – Jeremiah 29:11-13.

I may plan my plans, but my plans are worthless if I don’t stop and realize that God has the master plan for my life and my future.  As I’ve heard it said many times:  Let go, let God.  That’s hard for us to do as humans.  We know what WE want and we know when WE want it.  But the biggest part of ‘let go, let God’ is to place our trust in him. 

So, in meditating this morning, I realized that continuing with this blog and sharing is part of what God has planned for me.  I don’t know if this is to help me or to help someone else.  That’s not for me to know at this point.  I just know that I’m to continue.  I meditate on the scripture from Jeremiah and realize that no matter how much pain, suffering, anger, self-loathing, unease, or loneliness that we may be enduring, God’s plan for us is for hope and a future.  It is in those times, more than ever, that we must seek with all our heart.

Peace.